I'm Free!

I never thought I could write about this...

BEWARE:

"DON'T LET YOURSELF FALL FOR THE WRONG GUY...."

Yung first part ng post, - naipost ko sya because an old friend...a past memory, a long lost secret love....asked me out lately lang through YM. I don't know if it's romantic in nature pero kahit na - parang inappropriate. Lagi naman syang ganyan eh, he would usually buzz me and flirt. Nakakatawa kasi di naman kami ganun mag-usap before. He would normally joke na magpakasal na kami...kung tanggap ko raw ba sya...and lagi nya akong inaaya lumabas. SIguro wala nga syang ibang makasama and he wants to have someone na sasamahan sya gumimik ... I always say yes and we would normally agree to meet at a certain time... kaso laging walang closure. Di naman kami nagkikita. I think this is the tenth time na nag-arrange kaming magkita pero di naman natutuloy kasi di ako sumisipot. Okey lang siguro sa kanya, kasi he never followed it up on me.Kung talagang gusto nya akong makasama, he would at least remind me through text kaso wala eh. Okey lang kung tuloy, okey lang kung hindi. Ganun naman talaga sya noon pa...anything goes lang pagdating sakin... gusto nya lang talaga ng kasama...bakit ako pa?!

We used to be bestfriends before sa first job ko - and I know ALLLLL his flaws - that's one of the reasons why I left the office. I AM BEGINNING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MY FRIEND - kahit ayoko. Ayoko talaga sa kanya, pero ang puso dimo talaga maturuan no? Ang kulet! Alam mo na ngang wala kang mapapala dun sa taong yun - sya pa rin ang gusto mong makasama. Naitanong ko sa sarili ko na, of all people bakit sya pa ang napili mong mahalin. Wala syang kwenta. Napaka childish, social climber, bastos. Wag na yan, marami jang iba. Kaso wala eh...diko alam kung nagayuma ako kaso yun talaga gusto nyang mahalin eh.

Nung una wala lang...he is definitely NOT my type - kaso since we are on the same team - wala kang choice but to mingle with him especially we are both living in San Juan that time. We became closer and closer to the point na everyone is asking kung kami na. Of course NOT! He NEVER asked me if I love him. Everything was plain and simple. Until I started noticing somethings na mapapaisip ka kung me meaning or what. A girl always knows and I have a lot of officemates who also noticed a sudden change in his personality. We started going out together, watching movies and he even went to Church with me and completed the training (btw, I am a born again Christian). Even he admitted to me na ako lang ang nakapagpasimba sa kanya. Things started to go deeper and deeper na parang ayaw ko na syang mawala. Naiinis ako sa mga bagay na ginagawa at di nya ginagawa - which I think is so UNHEALTHY for me. I started getting jealous, I started feeling miserable to the point na I feel kelangan ko na syang mawala sa buhay ko so I can live a normal life again. Most nights are spent thinking if talaga bang Mahal nya ako gaya ng sinasabi ng mga officemates ko or he is just being nice? Pag uuwi ako, I would normally pass by Megamall Chapel and cry...asking God everytime to take away my feelings for him kasi nahihirapan na ako...HINDI NYA ALAM. He makes a JOKE out of it all. He does'nt know...na minahal ko sya. SOBRA. Pero sya, minahal nya kaya ako talaga? Yung actions nya says - oo pero he never said that to my face. Siguro sa biro OO pero in reality - who knows?! Until now - I don't know... and I need not know....IT DOES'NT MATTER TO ME ANYMORE.

I resigned because I don't want him to control my emotions. I think that's the best thing to do. Live a life away from him. Nobody knows my TRUE reason why I left. Some would even think I am a fool leaving that company when they already offered me a Team Leader position at that time.I am half hearted to leave but I thing this is the BEST THING to do. I left, without giving a hint how he ruined it all...I left, with a heavy heart - knowing na this might be the biggest mistake of my life. I am willing to leave everything behind kaysa lagi nalang akong nasasaktan.

Four years has passed, di na kami lumabas together. I went my way and he went his way. Lately nakakapagchat kami pero casual na lang. Me mga times na tinatanong nya ko kung mahal ko sya sa chat namin...kaso binabara ko. Diko alam kung nagbibiro sya (which he always does) pero kahit sa biro hindi nakakatawa - HOW DARE YOU ASK ME HOW I FEEL NOW?! After all those years? WALA KANG KARAPATAN. I will not allow you to ruin my life again the SECOND TIME AROUND. Don't ask me out anymore - I WILL NOT GIVE IN. In as much as I want to...

Yun lang...wala lang. I just feel it's sooo unfair to play with other people's feelings. It's not fair. You don't have any clue kung pa'no mo ako NASAKTAN. Pero okey lang...past is past. I am better now after sharing this part of my life. Natatakot akong mabasa nya pero at the same time, masaya ako kasi at last...I was able to share this. Not that I want some things to happen. NO! I am very much in love now... I just feel na he needs to know para sa susunod - he already know how to handle things. Don't be so close to someone especially if you don't love her. Don't do anything that will make her feel special in any way especially kung alam mong vulnerable sya and he might think of that as one of your moves to win her. It's not pagiging ASSUMING, it's the VULNERABILITY of us, girls. Minsan kahit na ayaw na ayaw mo sa isang tao - pero kung mabait sayo and binibigyan ka ng sobrang attention - you have no choice but to LOVE him. Kahit ayaw mo...

Ito yung topic na ayokong itackle. Beside the fact na inappropriate - some people would not understand. Baka malaman pa nya. Pero okey lang, at least may clue sya kung anong naging impact nya sa life ko noon. He may brag about it - he might think of me differently - I DONT CARE. This is my blog and I need to be true to it. No pretentions. And besides, I think eto na yung closure na hinihintay ko. To leave behind everything that ties us together...even the only thing he could offer - friendship...

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