6/02/2008

I WAS DEEPLY HURT

I'm letting go of something today...


I think this is the best thing to do, para di ko na nahuhurt yung taong lagi nalang nasasaktan dahil sa mga actions, words at mga childish acts ko. I can't bear the thought na everytime na lang may naooffend sya mga ginagawa at sinasabi ko na. I admit, minsan (or most of the time) , talagang wala akong preno pag nag joke - it's me. It's either you hate me or you love me. If you want to be my friend, you need to understand that it's just my way of making people laugh. If somehow, I've hurted someone's feelings because of that - she could just tell me..."uy foul yun, naooffend ako dun, wag na ganun". If she is indeed a friend, she would know that I am just JOKING. PERIOD. I don't deserve being treated like what I experienced earlier.

A friend got mad at me today (as always) because of a joke I said na i did'nt mean. It's just an ordinary and plain joke, and she thought nagyayabang ako. Ako pa? Eh kulang na lang yurakan ko pagkatao ko pag inookray ko sarili ko eh. What happened today is something I can't understand. I apologized to her because I know she was hurt, nilambing ko sya...but she remained firm. I told her that I'm sorry and even joked about it...I asked her to wait for me till 4pm since 30 minutes na lang yun...she replied coldly na "uuwi na ako, me pupuntahan pa ako". I swallowed all my pride saying "wag mo naman gawin to sakin...5 nalang tayo, di pa kita makakausap..." she laughed a little bit. I thought it is all well na, na she forgave me na since it's just a petty "childish" tampuhan...pero I was surprised when she left all of a sudden...without a clue...yun pala uuwi na siya. What hurted me more is that ... The friend who witnessed it all followed her and left me as well. I felt I don't deserve being treated this way as I never treated them as cold as that. All of a sudden...I felt I was never really a friend.

God knows I value her so much, iniintindi ko sya palagi. Kahit na minsan meron din syang mga offensive words na talagang nahuhurt ako...di ko pinapalaki kasi I know she is just JOKING or she DID'NT MEAN IT. Why would I accuse a friend of that? Alam ko na kung wala akong gagawing DRASTIC CHANGE...mangyayari na naman to in the future...and AYOKO NA. Ayoko ng feeling. I would just let it pass and BAHALA NA. Kung ayaw nya akong kausapin...I won't force her. Nobody can hurt me that much anymore from now on.

If there is a good thing that happened out of this...maybe yun yung narealize ko na yung weakness ko is ayoko ng me nagagalit sa akin, kaya kahit alam ko na it's not really my fault...ako nalang ang nagpapakumbaba. I HATE CONFLICTS and if there is one, di talaga ako natatahimik until i fix it ... which is WRONG. I've realized that you cant please everybody. I need to face my fears and I would do it right now. I know I can be independent. I know I don't need someone to be with para magenjoy sa work, sa personal life, sa buhay. I CAN BE INDEPENDENT. Minsan, mas okey rin na wala kang ibang inaasahan kundi sarili mo... and that what I would do starting tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'll gonna ask coach on how to file shift restriction. I want to be on the AM shift for the next 3 months...I want to be independent. Challenging siguro yun, mahirap sa simula pero alam ko kakayanin ko. Siguro mas magiging masaya ako pag naexpose ako sa ibang environment. Ewan ko, pero I'm excited. I've realized na di ko dapat inaasa sa iba yung happiness ko...with or without kasama dapat go ako. I was deeply hurt and I know I won't be happy anymore being with someone na feeling ko...says that she is a friend but can't accept me as who i am....

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